I was going through my Google Analytics report recently and I noticed some strange keyword searches on Google. Here are a few choice ones:
- “tasteless and offensive” net nanny
- dugong for sex
- model reading boobs
- manswers sailors had sex with sea animal
- sailors have sex with sea cows
- video of karen allen’s tushy
You guys are some sick puppies. I don’t know if I should make fun of you or feel bad that these searches brought you to my site. Actually I think my next goal is to have the strangest keyword bring back my site at the top of a Google search. Call it an experiment in SEO. We can find out once and for all if SEO really works.
Get ready to see this phrase peppered throughout my next few posts: Dr. Orangutan C Buttlove is seeking a playdate on the Sunset Strip. I can’t wait to see my referrer report getting even stranger!
*** Update ***
Well that worked.
September 5th, 2008
When we were in college my roommate Jon and I could drink all night long. Beer, shots, vodka, whiskey - it didn’t matter. Sit it in front of us and we’d drink until 6am with you. This weekend Jon and I went to LA to visit our friends Laef and Allison and I realized something had changed. Maybe we’re getting older but we just couldn’t seem to party as long as we used to.
Here’s some action shots from separate nights in LA:
Jon starts fading (night 1)
Jon falls asleep with a beer in his hand (night 2)
Jon in the worlds most uncomfortable position (night 3)
Jon takes a time out at the bar and is oblivious to Allison
Not to be outdone Allison decided to hammer 8 bottles of sake and pass out in the sushi restaurant.
Which reminds me of her last visit to St. Louis (at Lumiere Place)
You’ll notice none of these include pictures of me. There is some rumor of me falling asleep with a full beer in my hand and then spilling it on myself but with no photographic evidence I doubt it happened.
Update: You can read Allison’s account on her blog.
August 21st, 2008
This weekend I’m heading off for a well deserved and long overdue vacation. The walls of my cubicle are closing in and I’m ready to spend some time outside.
This is going to be a fairly unusual trip since It’s going to be a two part, bi-coastal, 10 day vacation. First I’m heading off with the fam to Orlando to stop by EPCOT for some drinking around the world and possibly to the Magic Kingdom or Universal for some coasters. Then we’ll head to Miami to chill on the beach, drink fruity drinks, and gawk at the models.
After I’ve had my fill of family time (which shouldn’t take long) I’ll be jumping on a cross country flight to LAX for a college roommate reunion. 3/4 of the team will be there — me, Laef, and Jon. We’ll have to be sure to call Chris and remind him he’s stuck in some mid-Missouri shithole while we’re stalking Lindsay Lohan. This part of the trip doesn’t exactly have a finite itinerary. I just have written down: 1) Dodgers Game 2) General Debauchery. The rest is just details. I’m sure Laef’s fiance Allison will be a major instigator. Pray for my liver.
No posting here for the next 2 weeks or so. I *might* be updating twitter from the iPhone but who knows. You can keep up with my tweets here:
twitter.com/ndoz
Peace out biotches!
August 7th, 2008
After moving into my new apartment last week I realized that the building was not wired for Cable. Apparently the building’s owner has such an anti-Charter bias he refuses to allow them to operate in his building. Convenient for the tenants for sure. I was left to choose between Dish Network and DirecTV for my television viewing.
The satellite guy recommend Dish Network because it was “easier” to setup for him. I really had no opinion either way so I signed off. After having virtually no problems with Charter other than the contractors they employ to install their equipment I was left to learn a new system. Here’s my opinion after one week of satellite service.
HD
I have a large and expensive TV. I have a certain level of expectation when it comes to my picture quality. Charter’s HD was incredible - the picture was crisp and the colors were vibrant. Their biggest problem was the dispute with Belo Corp that prevented CBS to be broadcast in HD. This required me to miss many SEC Football Games in HD. Not good times. I was looking forward to Dish Network’s HD. I knew they had CBS available and they also had many more HD channels than Charter. This of course was before I realized Dish Network recently lost an HD satellite. I’m not sure how that’s affected their HD capacity but the picture is not nearly as crisp as Charter. So far this has been disappointing. By the end of the year they’re supposed to launch the all-HD TurboHD explosion superpack which will bump the HD channels up to 150. Not much benefit if they can’t get the issues with the picture figured out.
Winner: Charter
DVR
With Charter I did not have DVR service because they had onDemand which I loved. Most of the shows I wanted to watch were available the next day on onDemand. Californication, Weeds, and Entourage were there, Music Videos were there, a whole slew of movies were there also. The only things that weren’t there were broadcast stations and sporting events and most of those things were available on Hulu. Now that I have Dish Network onDemand is not an option. Into the murky waters of DVR I now wade. It is a pain in the ass. For one thing you have to remember to record the shows you want to watch. With onDemand they were just there. Plus you constanstly run the risk of not capturing an entire episode of a show if it runs over or is delayed. Again with onDemand this was not an issue.
Winner: Charter
Pricing
With Charter I had all the movie channels, the HD package, and Internet access for about $108. Now with Dish Network I have America’s Top 200, 2 movie channels, and the HD package, and no Internet access for around $90. The lack of Internet access hurts and I have no doubt my bill will be pushed well beyond the $108 it was with Charter if Internet was factored in.
Winner: Charter
Outages
For me Charter’s outages were infrequent. I was once living in an old building and the Internet would go out semi-frequently but that was more of a hardware issue rather than Charter’s fault I believe. With satellite you are constantly at the mercy of the weather. In the first week that I’ve had service we had a severe rainstorm which knocked out service for the evening. When the winter snow season comes I expect further outages.
Winner: Charter
Channels
Due to financial constraints I dropped TMC, Cinemax, and Starz when I went to Dish Network. Those won’t really be missed. I got to keep Showtime and HBO as those are my primary viewing stations. Despite losing those movie channels I did gain several quality stations including ESPNews, ESPN Classic, NFL Network, and Fuse. Picture be damned there are many more HD channels available as well.
Winner: Dish Network
Contracts
With Charter there are no contracts. Cancel anytime. Change service when you want and there will be no fees. This has benefits and disadvantages. Good: If I dislike the service I can threaten to leave (and actually do it) at any point in time. Bad: Charter can jack up the rates whenever they choose (and believe they do it and try to be real sneaky about it). With Dish Network I have a 2 year contract. If I cancel service I will be hit with a hefty fine in the range of $120 or so. Contracts are a pain in the ass but at least you know there won’t be any surprise $50 upcharges on your bill.
Winner: Dish Network
Overall I think Dish Network has a lot of potential and I’m still figuring it all out but Charter did provide me with great service for over 4 years and at this point I still miss them.
Overall Winner: Charter Cable
August 4th, 2008
To honor the demise of Beer City, USA I’ve decided to rank the flavors of Anheuser-Busch beers. At least the flavors I’ve tried. The list is quite extensive and most of these I’ll assume are disgusting (Chelada — fucking sick!).
1. Bud Light Ah the old standby. Not too bad, fairly inexpensive, and much more flavorful than Miller Lite. Bud Light is a solid BBQ beer and the go to beer for any sporting event.
2. Shock Top One of the newer (if not the newest) beer in the A-B arsenal. I’ve long had a crush on wheat beers and this one is simply delicious. Perhaps even better than Blue Moon. This is a good beer if you’re out at a semi-classy bar and don’t want to look like an uncultured goof by ordering a Bud.
3. Bud Select Not bad tasting and a good beer if you’re watching your girlish figure as it only has 99 calories yet it doesn’t taste like the piss water that is Michelob Ultra (which won’t appear in these rankings).
4. Budweiser “The Great American Lager” is an ironic title now that the brewery is owned by a Belgian company. If you smoke Marlboro Reds, work in construction, or like to drink on the porch then this is the beer for you.
5. Bud Light Lime A little effeminate but this one goes good with Margaritas and Mexican Food. You can’t drink more than 2 though. Trust me I’ve tried. You’ll get nauseaus.
6. Rolling Rock Not a real fan. The website says it pairs thusly: “Serve Rolling Rock in a tall thin tumbler and pair it with citrus grilled chicken, ceviche with lime, pork tenderloin with mango chutney and pepper jack cheese.” I don’t even know what 40% of those things are. Skip it.
7. Natural Ice Now we’re getting to the good stuff. A little known secret to college kids as they usually default to Natty Light. Don’t get me wrong they both taste like shit but Ice has 5.9% alcohol content to Light’s 4.2%. Translation: Natural Ice will get you drunker, faster, and cheaper.
8. Busch/Busch Light/Busch Ice(?) The Busch line. The only reason to drink this is if you beat your wife. The white trash neighborhood of the 7-11 Cooler.
9. Tequiza Sick, sick, sick. Corona this is not.
10. Bud Extra Do they even make this anymore? It’s like an energy drink with beer in it. Or something. Avoid at all costs.
11. King Cobra Perfect malt beverage for drinking from a paper bag on the street or poring one out for your fallen homies.
I avoided the imports and focused on the American beers but the good ones include Bass and Kirin Ichiban. Stella Artois isn’t bad either but it comes from the InBev bastardization. Avoid Boddington’s, Beck’s, and Grolsch. Hoegaarden is so-so but fairly sweet.
I’m planning a farewell to A-B party where we can celebrate the beers of this once proud American company. Stay tuned.
July 24th, 2008
Last night I took a group of my friends down to the Scottrade Center to see the Foo Fighters. I say I took them because about 2 months ago I got all boozed up and decided to buy four of the most expensive seats I could find. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I’ve never really been a Foo Fighters fan and I haven’t followed their career closely so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I never had a problem with the band they were just sorta there. They were the guys with a few catchy songs and the goofy videos. Harmless at best. But then two things happened: The band released Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace which has 3 really good songs: The Pretender, Long Road to Ruin, and Let it Die and I caught their acoustic concert DVD Skin and Bones on TV. I was now a full fledged Foo fan.
I was excited to see this show. After settling into our seats around 7:15 the opening act Year Long Disaster ended it’s set within 10 minutes and Supergrass’s set was almost as short. Perfect. I wouldn’t have to put up with crappy opening bands while I waited for the real rock to start.
The place was absolutely packed and The Foo Fighters did not disappoint. They played a blistering 3 hour set. It is easy to forget how many Foo songs you’ve heard before. They really have a lot of popular tunes and they pumped through all of them including Let it Die, One by One, Big Me, All my Life, The Pretender, Learn to Fly, Breakout, My Hero, and Best of You. In the middle of the set a second stage was lowered from the rafters and the band was joined by 4 other members to play an acoustic set. This second stage was literally 30 feet in front of us and some of the highlights included Skin and Bones, Marigold, and an acoustic version of Everlong.
The show was also filled with Dave Grohl’s humorous comments such as "Stay in school kids. You don’t want to drop out like I did. I mean look what happened to me." and "You guys have to work tomorrow. Sucks for you." But the absolute best part was Grohl telling a story from when he was in Nirvana in 1991 and the band stopped at Mississippi Nights and nearly caused a riot when they invited the entire audience on stage. It’s nice when the band goes for more than just reading your city’s name off the back of a microphone stand.
This was a real rock show. It wasn’t My Chemical Romance or The Killers or whatever bullshit is passing for music these days. I would recommend everyone give the Foo Fighters another listen. They have some really good songs and put on a great live show.
July 21st, 2008
Sean Tevis is running for Kansas State Representative. Anybody with a cartoon using XKCD/Digg/Reddit to explain his policies gets my vote. Well if I lived in Kansas he’d get my vote I guess.
Check out the rest on his official campaign site.
July 18th, 2008
Last night I was flipping through the channels looking for nothing in particular when I stumbled upon a new show on Spike called Manswers. Now I don’t usually watch Spike in fact I really have no idea what they have to offer besides UFC. If I was programming a channel for men I would just show Wall Street, Road House, and The Search for the next Penthouse Pet (pretty sure I made that last one up) around the clock.
I clicked the info button and the description read something like this: “Self-defense tips for a bar settings, breast sizes and bowel movements are discussed..” Good Lord! This was the show for me! They finally figured out the whole programming for men thing I’ll tell you that.
The show is described as:
Spike TV answers all of the burning questions men have been dying to ask, but never found socially acceptable.
Basically someone comes up with a stupid question, they ask a bunch of people on the street their opinions, and then they have experts answer them. It’s genius! It’s like every discussion you’ve ever had in a bar but on TV!
The questions I can recall from last night:
How many beers will kill you?
They said 18 would give you alcohol poisoning but they based that on a 160 lb man. I’m around 220 lbs and I’m pretty sure I’ve had over 30 beers once or twice while in college. I’m still alive. I suffered some rough mornings and woke up next to some ugly women but nothing worse. They need to revise this one. Is the average man 160lbs? Really? Sounds tiny.
Which animal is most like a female to sleep with?
Um, yeah. It wouldn’t be a men’s show if you didn’t talk about having sex with something you aren’t supposed to. The manswer was the Dugong, a sea cow like creature. Apparently sailors used to sex these things when they got lonely. I guess their anatomy is closest to that of a female human. That’s about all I’m going to say about that subject.
How do you stop your GF from being a mega bitch?
The manswer was to have unprotected sex with her. Of course then you run the risk of getting her pregnant which would seem to have the exact opposite effect you were going for.
I’ll be tuning into Manswers again. It has a lot of potential. Season 2 starts September 17.
July 17th, 2008
With today’s news confirming InBev’s acquistion of Anheuser-Busch St. Louis has lost another business headquarters and one of the defining icons of the city as well. At $70 a share the stockholders will reap a tidy profit but at what cost? As little as a year ago AB was trading at $45 a share which means that had you purchased at that time you would have realized a nearly 60% return on investment today. But is it worth it? InBev has announced that it plans to slash $1.5 billion in operating costs over the next 3 years which probably means that many of St. Louis’s 6000 AB employees will lose their jobs. Efficiency is the name of the game though and this is not the only time this has happened in St. Louis. A look at the recent business history:
A.G. Edwards was acquired by Wachovia which did end up relocating jobs here from Charlotte, NC but many other jobs were slashed.
May Department Stores was acquired by Federated (Macy’s) who eventually shut down operations in St. Louis and took 1700 jobs with them.
TWA was acquired by American Airlines who cut thousands of jobs and plenty of flights. This is the reason you now have a layover in Columbus in order to fly to Denver (an exaggeration but not by much). This one pisses me off the most.
McDonnell-Douglas was acquired by Boeing. This one wasn’t necessarily bad for the city unless you count losing the prestige of a corporate headquarters. Boeing still employs over 15000 employees here and it’s still a place I can routinely threaten to leave my job for.
Recent rumors/minor concerns:
International Bowling Hall of Fame is heading to Arlington, TX is the next year. Now I’ve never been to this place and it’s always gotten ridiculed by visitors to the city but I don’t like to see it go. Especially since it’s leaving to make way for the perpetually delayed Ballpark Village project AKA the St. Louis Cardinals version of suburban living in the city!
St. Louis Rams are going to be sold. Chip Rosenbloom inherited the team after his mother Georgia Frontiere passed away. Rumors persist that the team might be moved back to LA after their lease expires in 2015. A new stadium is probably necessary to keep the team here. Rosenbloom has no interest in running the team as he’s off producing B-movies in LA.
These are bleak times for St. Louis business.
July 14th, 2008
This is part 1 in a 2 part series on 2008 summer movies. Stay tuned at the end of the summer for the second part.
I love the movies and I go often. From the popcorn and milkduds to the unattainably hot actresses there’s something about going to the movies that makes summer so much fun. I lean toward the films that focus more on explosions than emotions so the summertime is my favorite movie going season. Here’s my review of the films released during the first half of the summer (April-June).
As a nod to the Hollywood lifestyle films are rated on a 5 coke booger scale. 1 being a key hit (terrible film) and 5 being Tony Montana’s desk mound of blow (great film).
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (4/5)
This is a very typical Judd Apatow film. A strange looking guy is with a hot girl then fucks it up by doing something dumb only to redeem himself in the end. It’s formula but it’s a formula that works. Especially since the girls (Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis) are hotter than in any other Apatow film. Also there’s a fair amount of penis. I believe it’s an old Hollywood principle — boobs are sexy but weiner makes people laugh.
Iron Man (5/5)
Loved it! Robert Downey Jr. is a great actor and it’s about time they start casting those for superhero roles. The semi-realistic plot and plenty of explosions make this one a winner. My only problem is that they cast Jeff Bridges as the villain. I seriously can’t even see him on screen without thinking of the dude. “The dude abides, Iron Man.”
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2/5)
Very disappointing. I’m still upset about this one. A few reasons I’ll list: you can’t have a 58 year old woman (Karen Allen) being the love interest. I’m sorry it’s just gross. Shia Lebouf once again brings nothing to the table. In fact I think he actually takes things off the table. I’m supposed to believe he’s a tough motorcycle riding punk? He’s like 5′4″!! Also aliens? WTF? George Lucas bastardizes another franchise.
Wanted (4/5)
This is a surprisingly good film. I went for the Angelina Jolie and ridiculous action sequences and I came out enjoying the whole thing. The plot is a little thin (a magic loom says who should be killed? Wha?) but the action is worth it. They use a lot of free running for the sequences and it’s visually impressive. Also Jolie shows her naked booty (hey tushy tushy). Worth it.
Movies I still want to see:
Wall-E
Kung Fu Panda
Baby Mama
On the fence
You don’t mess with the Zohan
Get Smart
The Happening
The Love Guru
Not a chance in Hell
Sex and the City
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Speed Racer
What Happens in Vegas…
Harold and Kumar something something…
July 7th, 2008
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