This is part 1 in a 2 part series on 2008 summer movies. Stay tuned at the end of the summer for the second part.
I love the movies and I go often. From the popcorn and milkduds to the unattainably hot actresses there’s something about going to the movies that makes summer so much fun. I lean toward the films that focus more on explosions than emotions so the summertime is my favorite movie going season. Here’s my review of the films released during the first half of the summer (April-June).
As a nod to the Hollywood lifestyle films are rated on a 5 coke booger scale. 1 being a key hit (terrible film) and 5 being Tony Montana’s desk mound of blow (great film).
Forgetting Sarah Marshall (4/5)
This is a very typical Judd Apatow film. A strange looking guy is with a hot girl then fucks it up by doing something dumb only to redeem himself in the end. It’s formula but it’s a formula that works. Especially since the girls (Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis) are hotter than in any other Apatow film. Also there’s a fair amount of penis. I believe it’s an old Hollywood principle — boobs are sexy but weiner makes people laugh.
Iron Man (5/5)
Loved it! Robert Downey Jr. is a great actor and it’s about time they start casting those for superhero roles. The semi-realistic plot and plenty of explosions make this one a winner. My only problem is that they cast Jeff Bridges as the villain. I seriously can’t even see him on screen without thinking of the dude. “The dude abides, Iron Man.”
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2/5)
Very disappointing. I’m still upset about this one. A few reasons I’ll list: you can’t have a 58 year old woman (Karen Allen) being the love interest. I’m sorry it’s just gross. Shia Lebouf once again brings nothing to the table. In fact I think he actually takes things off the table. I’m supposed to believe he’s a tough motorcycle riding punk? He’s like 5′4″!! Also aliens? WTF? George Lucas bastardizes another franchise.
Wanted (4/5)
This is a surprisingly good film. I went for the Angelina Jolie and ridiculous action sequences and I came out enjoying the whole thing. The plot is a little thin (a magic loom says who should be killed? Wha?) but the action is worth it. They use a lot of free running for the sequences and it’s visually impressive. Also Jolie shows her naked booty (hey tushy tushy). Worth it.
Movies I still want to see:
Wall-E
Kung Fu Panda
Baby Mama
On the fence
You don’t mess with the Zohan
Get Smart
The Happening
The Love Guru
Not a chance in Hell
Sex and the City
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Speed Racer
What Happens in Vegas…
Harold and Kumar something something…
July 7th, 2008
For some reason I’ve always found myself attracted to movies that are considered “cult classics” - movies with a small but passionate audience. These are usually movies that are too violent or use too much clever/edgy comedy for your average Midwestern moron to understand. As a result almost all of these movies have been considered commercial failures. Evil Dead, The Big Lebowski, Office Space, Clerks, and Roadhouse are examples of really good cult movies that never got a chance in theaters.
As I sat around my house on Sunday evening nursing a wicked hangover I decided to see if Netflix could help me through the day. A fair amount of searching later and there it was: 1986’s Cobra starring Sylvester Stallone. It had all the necessary elements - it was hyperviolent, had a ridiculous tag line (”Crime is a disease. Meet the cure.”), and it starred freaking Rambo! I was in.
Cobra did not disappoint. Here’s a couple reasons to add it to your DVD shelf:
The Plot makes exactly zero sense. The cops are chasing someone whom the media dubs “The Nightslasher” who in reality is actually some sort of axe wielding army of psychopaths. Now even if there wasn’t DNA testing available in 1986 I would think when a hacked up body turns up in a car that has been chopped in half with axes they might suspect the criminal is one than one dude right? Apparently not.
Marion Cobretti is a shoot first ask questions later cop. During the opening scene a hostage standoff is taking place at a grocery store. I guess the group of cops stationed outside can’t figure out what to do so they have to “call in the cobra”. When Cobra arrives he enters the building and kills the criminal by throwing a knife into his chest and then shooting him 5 times. In fact in the entire movie I don’t think he actually arrests anyone. He kills a lot of people but arrests no one. He may not have even been issued a set of handcuffs.
The Violence is ever present. Seriously I think for every action scene there is about 10 lines of dialogue. There may only be about 2 pages of actual written dialogue in this entire movie. The rest consists of action shots and montages with 80’s house music dubbed in.
Brigitte Nielson before she hit the wall. She was very very attractive in the 80’s. Now she spends time with Flava Flav in reality TV land. Time is one cruel bitch.
The Ending stays inline with the rest of the movie and also makes no sense. Cobra has just spent about 18 minutes shooting guys on motorcycles with a machine gun when he comes face to face with the main bad guy (possibly the actual Night Slasher, again there is very little dialogue). The bad guy says “You won’t shoot me. You’re the law. The law is civilized.” Did this moron not just see Cobra shoot like 38 guys dead? You think one more is going to effect him that much? Ridiculous. What do you think happens? Uh yeah Cobra kills him.
I think this movie was written by a group of guys sitting around smoking weed and trying to find another vehicle in which Stallone kills about 200 people. Mission accomplished.
I give it 2 out of 5 Coke Boogers.
June 30th, 2008
Last night I finally received my newest toy, the Roku Netflix Player. After waiting almost two weeks for backordering and Fedex’s slooooow ground shipping to get here I came home after work and there it was. A tiny black box roughly the size of a paperback book (if that book is the Bible) that I could watch my Netflix movies on! No more waiting for the mail to get here! I was excited. Then I tried to set it up which turned into a major pain in the ass.
The contents of the box were simple. The player, a remote, and cables. Easy enough. I hooked up the Roku to my TV via HDMI and plugged it in fully expecting it would detect my wireless network and be on it’s way. Not so fast. It found my network alright but it refused to let me connect. After unhooking and reconnecting wires and restarting modems and routers I still had nothing. I was pissed and a little sweaty.
I logged on to the Roku support website where I was told to hook the player up through a wired connection “just to get it started”. Apparently there was a software update that needed to be installed which would greatly improve the networking capabilities of the box. Now how I was expected to know that a product that was just released two weeks ago needed a software update I’m not sure but I decided to give it a try. I dug out my 25ft ethernet cable and hooked it directly into the box. Everything finally worked. The software installed and I was viewing my queue in seconds. I wasn’t quite prepared to be tripping over ethernet cable for the next 6 months however so I gave the wireless route another go.
Of course that didn’t work. Same error as earlier. I was seriously about to smash this POS with a hammer. I took a deep breath and tried it one last time. Unhooked and power cycled everything then said a little prayer to Jeebus Cripes. And what do you know….it worked! Estimated time of install = 2 hours.
Making up for all the hassle is the interface. It is slick! The videos are near DVD quality and after adding a movie to your instant queue it appears in about 15 seconds on screen. Netflix has done it once again.
There are, of course, some areas for improvement:
Selection Only about 10,000 of Netflix’s 100,000 movies are available for instant watching. They need to work hard to increase this selection. Most TV shows seem to be there so that is a plus.
Blu-Ray All the videos are standard def. It would be nice to have a few HD choices in there as well. Like I said the majority of videos I tested were DVD or near-DVD quality but a few looked like they were on the edge of VHS quality.
DVD Menus/Controls I understand the nature of the Internet and the effect that it has on video but I would like the full DVD controls to be available on these videos. FF/Rewind/Next/Previous/Extras etc. Right now there is a rudimentary FF/Rewind functionality.
More than Netflix One of the biggest drawbacks is that this box only plays Netflix videos. I realize that’s the point but I would like to see it incorporate content from other sites. If they add Hulu, DailyShow.com, and South Park Studios I don’t think I would ever leave the house. Mp3 and XVid would be gravy.
I would like to personally thank George W. Bush for the economic stimulus which allowed me to purchase this $99 box. Thanks Bushie this almost makes up for the time you cock-blocked me back in 2004 (that’s a story for another post).
June 5th, 2008
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